Why not me? Gaining confidence

I started coaching when my oldest son was five-years-old. Since then, sports have been an integral part of our lives for close to seventeen years. One theme that has cropped up time and time again is the importance of confidence. You have to believe in yourself to be successful, in sports, or any endeavor for that matter.

Ironically I have a quirk that sabotages me when I talk about my writing. I decided to write about it in hopes of exercising a few demons of doubt. When I told my wife about this plan she reminded me of that coaching advice I’d been giving to my kids. So now, my own words are coming back to haunt me. It’s time to practice what I’ve been preaching all these years.

First let’s get things out in the open, demons hate being out in the open. Here it is: whenever I tell someone about my writing I am compelled to begin by pointing out my inadequacies, my inexperience. It’s happened every time I’ve attended any type of writing event where I’m required to talk about what I’m writing – several times this year already. I've been thinking about why I do this. Maybe it’s because I’ve read so many excellent books that I can’t imagine ever being that good. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of being criticized, something I know is unavoidable when you publish your story for the world to read. Maybe I’m afraid that my story will be bad, and due to guilt by association, that will imply I’m bad too. Or, maybe I’m just plain comfortable living out my life in relative obscurity. I really don’t know the answer.

I do know the problem has something to do with confidence. So, given the absence of confidence, how does one go about getting some? I think the first step is to recognize what’s going on. In my case it became more obvious the more I did it. Every time I introduced my writing by saying I’m sorry, my stuff is crap, people responded so kindly. I started to feel almost embarrassed, like I was fishing for compliments. But I couldn’t stop myself.

That’s exactly why the next step is so hard because it involves actually changing. As soon as you recognize your lack of confidence you simply must stop, change your attitude, and at the very least act confident, even if you don’t feel confident. You see, the most difficult person to persuade is yourself. As long as you’re not obnoxious about it, everyone else usually just buys it.

A couple of weeks ago I watched the movie Limitless, definitely worth seeing. The main character takes an experimental drug that increases his brain capacity and all of a sudden he goes from zero to hero. As he mused about his new found capacity to recall even minor details about things he learned back in college I couldn’t help thinking how much more confident I am about things I’ve already learned, at least the ones I can still remember. The guy in Limitless was more confident because he remembered everything he’d ever experienced. Even if we can’t remember everything it makes sense to read and write as much as possible – probably the most common advice given to aspiring writers.

And even though I don’t have infinite brain capacity, and I know I can’t be great at everything, I really do enjoy learning new things. My family always jokes that I have a lot of hobbies. In fact I do, a byproduct of the desire to try and learn new things. Trying new things gives me confidence to try other new things. As I’ve tried new things I’ve found that if I act nervous I’m not as successful. If I act confident I am more successful. The more you act confident, the easier it becomes.

It’s very much like the cowardly lion in The Wizard of Oz, he had courage in himself the whole time. He just didn’t recognize it. Confidence is basically faith in one’s self. Confidence we can achieve, faith that we can achieve, will help motivate us when the desire to give up creeps into the corners of our minds.

Last weekend I joined a writing critique group. We met on Saturday, in person, to iron out the details about how we each wanted the group to function. I was apprehensive at first, and yes, this was one of those occasions where I started by listing my limitations. But I ended up so impressed by the personalities in the group, from a fourteen-year-old freshman in high school to others who are working on multiple manuscripts. What made me the most optimistic though was everyone’s desire to help each other.

On the way out to the parking lot after our meeting, I was talking with a member of our group. We discussed the impressive array of talented writers who live in and around Utah Valley, the area where we all live. She made the comparison to Shakespeare, how he created an environment of excitement that enabled more than him to be successful. With so many great authors nearby it seems possible that we can be successful too. Why not?

Another way to gain confidence is to surround yourself with people who encourage you to keep trying.

I understand writing is hard work, but, this week at least, I believe if I do the work I can be successful. And someday, maybe, I can join the ranks of the published. I know that’s not an end, but right now, that’s what I’m shooting for.

Why not me?

My new goal: when I tell people about my writing, do it with confidence, hopefully not boring them to tears at the same time.

Next time you’re tempted to say I can’t do something, stop yourself and say, Why not me?

And if you ever hear me blatantly trashing my own stuff, please, slap some sense into me.