Disagreement: Is there a civil way?

I haven’t written a post in over a month for two months now. During this time I’ve known exactly what I want to write about. I’ve thought about it almost every day. But each time I sat down to write, my emotions would flare up, and I gravitated towards a post I wasn’t proud of. I’ve read so many blogs and tweets recently discussing prominent stories in the news that either take such a hard lined position throughout that the reader is hammered with the theme of “I’m right, and if you disagree you are a hater who opposes human love, rationality, and human rights.” Or they cry out to the Internet for the rest of us to wake up and finally do the right thing; when in reality the right thing, according to them, is to give up a freedom or right that they don’t personally care for or appreciate. So basically they want the rest of us to wake up and willingly give up things we might care about, but that they don’t, so that they can feel safer. And they cannot understand why the rest of us don’t just fall in line with them.

I don’t want to discuss the specific issues that started all this. It’s pretty easy to find them, and many, many others, elsewhere on the Internet. I do want to write something that will have more of a unifying effect rather than a dividing effect. Too many of the articles I read had a dividing effect, at least on me. And I found myself disagreeing with them as much or more based on the way they presented their words, as I did based on the words themselves. That in turn led me to thinking about disagreeing with people, and especially the manner in which we/I disagree. I had to take a tough look at myself, and the way I respond in highly passionate “conversations” and to be honest I can do better, much better. At my core I truly believe it’s possible to love and care for people I disagree with. But in the heat of the moment this important fact, the fact that I should love my neighbor and therefore treat them better, gets suppressed by all kinds of volatile emotions, the strongest of which is the need to be right. Except unfortunately being “right” is often a subjective* thing, and far too often a club we/I wield with fanatic fervor forgetting the recipient of my blows is another human being who always, no matter what, deserves better. But that brings up a dilemma, how does one stand up for what they believe in with dignity and respect without trouncing or vilifying their opponent?

After reading several of the blogs/articles/tweets I mentioned above I had to sit down and ask myself why do I believe what I believe? Am I really a hater? If I don’t consider myself a hater how can I disagree with them and not be a hater? Because that’s pretty much what they said—you’re either on one side or the other. And that’s where their words broke down for me. They presented their case so generally, with such broad sweeping generalizations, that there was no middle ground. You were either with them, or against them. Now, that may be exactly what they were shooting for, and if so bravo. But I think it’s pretty rare that complex issues can be boiled down to such black and white statements.

One good thing came of this though. I took a closer look at my own personal convictions. I tried to better understand myself and my core beliefs. And I tried to prioritize which ones were most important. I think it’s good for anyone to do this. The other thing I realized is that even when I disagreed with the authors of the blogs/articles/tweets I was still able to find some common ground, some points we both agree on. Too often we argue, or preach, or chastise, or whatever from a self-perceived high ground. Unfortunately this immediately causes us to choose opposing sides right out of the gate.

I have my standards, my convictions if you will, those things I’ve come to understand as truths I live my life by. I teach these to my children and give them as advice to anyone seeking my help. But not everyone believes the same things I do. So when it comes to those with opposing points of view some of my standards are difficult to explain and/or difficult for others to understand without walking the miles in my shoes that I have. Starting on the big disagreements tends to have a polarizing effect, and that’s where it typically ends. Which means, for the most part, we end before we really get started—there isn’t much room for a “conversation.” On the other hand, if I search for common ground and build up from there, even when we disagree there’s a much higher probability of mutual understanding.

Going forward I want to seek out commonality, areas where we agree, instead of searching for differences or nitpicking excuses to summarily dismiss another person as a moron. I think more often than not, even when we disagree, we have much more in common than we have in differences. For me it’s stubbornness and inflexibility that gets in the way of seeing that common ground. And we/I need to remember what matters most: our fellow man, our neighbor. If we could put a face on the opposition, and really get to know them, it would be more difficult to label them a dirty rotten so and so.

I’ve heard it said that to make a truly compelling argument you must completely understand the opposing point of view well enough to argue it. That sounds right. If more people took the time and effort to do that I believe we’d all feel more comfortable regardless of our differing convictions.

So before we/I write that next rant, leave that next snarky comment, or let loose on the next person closest to us in our ire:

• Look for common ground.
• Remember our standards, choose our words carefully.
• Remember the recipient of our vehemence is a living, breathing, human being with a heart.
• If we still feel compelled to voice our disagreement, civilly disagree.

My heart goes out to the victims every time I hear a story about senseless violence, especially when it ends in tragic losses—nobody wants that. But it’s also tragic to believe that there’s some silver bullet, some magic solution that will stop it once and for all. Silver bullets or quick fixes are more like mirages than real solutions, the closer you inspect them the more they simply vanish into thin air. Could it be as simple as all of us being a little nicer to each other, a little more caring? Nah, too easy.

And what about our convictions? Where do they come from? How should we use them? Is it possible for one person’s convictions to oppose another person’s? If so, how do we handle that? Choosing to eat here, or boycott there seems to me to be never ending battle. Where in this life do we apply forgiveness? And who are we to forgive? If we want forgiveness for ourselves, shouldn’t we freely give it to others too?

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve received as a writer is to give myself the freedom to make mistakes. Now you know that I will make mistakes, and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone, let’s be more forgiving of each other especially when we disagree.

I openly admit the problem may lie in me. I think it’s always worthwhile to analyze ourselves and our convictions to gage whether or not we’re following a true path or just the winds of the times. Sometimes it’s difficult to distinguish which is which.

I’m not saying we/I can’t disagree. I know it’s inevitable. But I hope that we/I can be more loving in our disagreements. If we could do that I think we’d be a lot more persuasive, or at the very least more tolerable.

I’m going to make a concerted effort to look for the good in everyone, and cling to it tightly; and then to let go of the rest. Does that mean I’m never going to complain about anyone? Well, to be true to my goal the answer should be yes. However, I know I’m human and I know this is a lofty goal. So my promise is this, I’ll try as hard as I can to focus on the good, the common ground I can find, and try to keep my complaining to private conversations which I hope won’t be broadcast to the world.

I consider myself a religious person. I try my best every day to make good choices, and more than anything else I hope I’m not unkind to anyone. But despite that I often make mistakes. In cases where I am unkind I hope I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong and make amends for it. Unfortunately, there are some in my life who I am no longer able to make up for my poor behavior with them, they’ve passed on. I’ll have to live the rest of my life with those regrets. Hopefully by the time my life is at an end I haven’t added any more to that heavy pile of regrets.

*Okay, let me state that another way, because I don’t believe that truth is relative. Being right isn’t always the most important element of one’s persuasive essay because it’s almost a guarantee that the opposition feels just as “right” in their position.