Monday, September 10, 2012

Disagreement: Is there a civil way?


I havent written a post in over a month for two months now. During this time Ive known exactly what I want to write about. Ive thought about it almost every day. But each time I sat down to write, my emotions would flare up, and I gravitated towards a post I wasnt proud of. Ive read so many blogs and tweets recently discussing prominent stories in the news that either take such a hard lined position throughout that the reader is hammered with the theme of Im right, and if you disagree you are a hater who opposes human love, rationality, and human rights. Or they cry out to the Internet for the rest of us to wake up and finally do the right thing; when in reality the right thing, according to them, is to give up a freedom or right that they dont personally care for or appreciate. So basically they want the rest of us to wake up and willingly give up things we might care about, but that they dont, so that they can feel safer. And they cannot understand why the rest of us dont just fall in line with them.

I dont want to discuss the specific issues that started all this. Its pretty easy to find them, and many, many others, elsewhere on the Internet. I do want to write something that will have more of a unifying effect rather than a dividing effect. Too many of the articles I read had a dividing effect, at least on me. And I found myself disagreeing with them as much or more based on the way they presented their words, as I did based on the words themselves. That in turn led me to thinking about disagreeing with people, and especially the manner in which we/I disagree. I had to take a tough look at myself, and the way I respond in highly passionate conversations and to be honest I can do better, much better. At my core I truly believe its possible to love and care for people I disagree with. But in the heat of the moment this important fact, the fact that I should love my neighbor and therefore treat them better, gets suppressed by all kinds of volatile emotions, the strongest of which is the need to be right. Except unfortunately being right is often a subjective* thing, and far too often a club we/I wield with fanatic fervor forgetting the recipient of my blows is another human being who always, no matter what, deserves better. But that brings up a dilemma, how does one stand up for what they believe in with dignity and respect without trouncing or vilifying their opponent?

After reading several of the blogs/articles/tweets I mentioned above I had to sit down and ask myself why do I believe what I believe? Am I really a hater? If I dont consider myself a hater how can I disagree with them and not be a hater? Because thats pretty much what they saidyoure either on one side or the other. And thats where their words broke down for me. They presented their case so generally, with such broad sweeping generalizations, that there was no middle ground. You were either with them, or against them. Now, that may be exactly what they were shooting for, and if so bravo. But I think its pretty rare that complex issues can be boiled down to such black and white statements.

One good thing came of this though. I took a closer look at my own personal convictions. I tried to better understand myself and my core beliefs. And I tried to prioritize which ones were most important. I think its good for anyone to do this. The other thing I realized is that even when I disagreed with the authors of the blogs/articles/tweets I was still able to find some common ground, some points we both agree on. Too often we argue, or preach, or chastise, or whatever from a self-perceived high ground. Unfortunately this immediately causes us to choose opposing sides right out of the gate.

I have my standards, my convictions if you will, those things Ive come to understand as truths I live my life by. I teach these to my children and give them as advice to anyone seeking my help. But not everyone believes the same things I do. So when it comes to those with opposing points of view some of my standards are difficult to explain and/or difficult for others to understand without walking the miles in my shoes that I have. Starting on the big disagreements tends to have a polarizing effect, and thats where it typically ends. Which means, for the most part, we end before we really get startedthere isnt much room for a conversation. On the other hand, if I search for common ground and build up from there, even when we disagree theres a much higher probability of mutual understanding.

Going forward I want to seek out commonality, areas where we agree, instead of searching for differences or nitpicking excuses to summarily dismiss another person as a moron. I think more often than not, even when we disagree, we have much more in common than we have in differences. For me its stubbornness and inflexibility that gets in the way of seeing that common ground. And we/I need to remember what matters most: our fellow man, our neighbor. If we could put a face on the opposition, and really get to know them, it would be more difficult to label them a dirty rotten so and so.

Ive heard it said that to make a truly compelling argument you must completely understand the opposing point of view well enough to argue it. That sounds right. If more people took the time and effort to do that I believe wed all feel more comfortable regardless of our differing convictions.

So before we/I write that next rant, leave that next snarky comment, or let loose on the next person closest to us in our ire:
  • Look for common ground.
  • Remember our standards, choose our words carefully.
  • Remember the recipient of our vehemence is a living, breathing, human being with a heart.
  • If we still feel compelled to voice our disagreement, civilly disagree.

My heart goes out to the victims every time I hear a story about senseless violence, especially when it ends in tragic lossesnobody wants that. But its also tragic to believe that theres some silver bullet, some magic solution that will stop it once and for all. Silver bullets or quick fixes are more like mirages than real solutions, the closer you inspect them the more they simply vanish into thin air. Could it be as simple as all of us being a little nicer to each other, a little more caring? Nah, too easy.

And what about our convictions? Where do they come from? How should we use them? Is it possible for one persons convictions to oppose another persons? If so, how do we handle that? Choosing to eat here, or boycott there seems to me to be never ending battle. Where in this life do we apply forgiveness? And who are we to forgive? If we want forgiveness for ourselves, shouldnt we freely give it to others too?

One of the best pieces of advice Ive received as a writer is to give myself the freedom to make mistakes. Now you know that I will make mistakes, and Im pretty sure Im not alone, lets be more forgiving of each other especially when we disagree.

I openly admit the problem may lie in me. I think its always worthwhile to analyze ourselves and our convictions to gage whether or not were following a true path or just the winds of the times. Sometimes its difficult to distinguish which is which.

Im not saying we/I cant disagree. I know its inevitable. But I hope that we/I can be more loving in our disagreements. If we could do that I think wed be a lot more persuasive, or at the very least more tolerable.

Im going to make a concerted effort to look for the good in everyone, and cling to it tightly; and then to let go of the rest. Does that mean Im never going to complain about anyone? Well, to be true to my goal the answer should be yes. However, I know Im human and I know this is a lofty goal. So my promise is this, Ill try as hard as I can to focus on the good, the common ground I can find, and try to keep my complaining to private conversations which I hope wont be broadcast to the world.

I consider myself a religious person. I try my best every day to make good choices, and more than anything else I hope Im not unkind to anyone. But despite that I often make mistakes. In cases where I am unkind I hope Im man enough to admit when Im wrong and make amends for it. Unfortunately, there are some in my life who I am no longer able to make up for my poor behavior with them, theyve passed on. Ill have to live the rest of my life with those regrets. Hopefully by the time my life is at an end I havent added any more to that heavy pile of regrets.

*Okay, let me state that another way, because I dont believe that truth is relative. Being right isnt always the most important element of ones persuasive essay because its almost a guarantee that the opposition feels just as right in their position.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Denmark: Traveling gives you perspective


When I think of Denmark something stirs deep inside me, a tinge of longing. It could be a desire to connect with the land many of my ancestors left over a hundred years ago. It could be a desire to see what my son Zack saw while serving as a missionary for the LDS church. Or it could be a desire to reconnect with an old friend.

One of my best friends growing up, from elementary school through high school and early college, now makes his home in Copenhagen. He’s a renowned expert on Søren Kierkegaard with a PhD and teaches at the University of Copenhagen. And to think, I knew him when he was just a kid.

In addition to my personal ties, Norse mythology appeals to me. I’ve long been fascinated by Vikings, castles, swords, battle axes, and of course the hammer of Thor.

It’s almost as if it wasn’t a matter of if, but only a matter of when, regarding a visit to the land some people, like Oprah, call the happiest place on earth. (Eat your heart out Disneyland.) We had been casually discussing it for over a year since Zack returned home. But it was an invitation to stay with a family he met there that helped the planning finally fall into place. Coincidentally the father of that family grew up in the town we now live in—what a small world.

Nyhavn
We would have liked to take our entire family, but seven airfares to Scandinavia was a deal breaker. So it turned into a special trip for my wife, Zack, and I to spend some quality time together. We carved ten days out of our busy work and school schedules in early May, 2012. That might sound like a lot, but when you consider the flight can take up to fifteen hours, that kills most of a day by itself. Then add to that the time zone difference, which means the better part of another day magically disappears, right off the bat. And then coming home takes most of a day despite regaining the time zone difference, so that’s three of the ten days primarily consumed at an airport, or in the air. Add in jet lag, I never sleep well on planes, and it’s easy to see the time reduced to only seven actual days for exploring Denmark.

We booked our flight to depart Sunday around noon, and arrive in Denmark at three in the afternoon on Monday. Unfortunately due to weather we were rerouted from Chicago to LA. That’s right, in the opposite direction. It sounds counterintuitive, but since there is only one flight from Chicago to Copenhagen our only other option would have had us arriving on Tuesday, an entire day later. Low on good options we scrambled onto the LA flight with the nagging hope our luggage would make the same trip we did. Going in the opposite direction cost us some extra time, our new scheduled arrival was 9:00 pm in Copenhagen. But again, that was much better than 3:00 pm the next day. My new travel mantra is: nothing ever goes as planned—deal with it.

Somehow we scheduled our trip such that the Monday consumed by air travel, delays, and time zone changes was my birthday. So, my birthday this year disappeared into the twilight zone. I’m not bitter, but I’m also not considering myself another year older. (That means my wife and I are now the same age. Ha.)

We left most of the details of how we’d spend our days on Danish soil in the hands of Zack. We penciled in a few of the must see attractions, but otherwise we just wanted to experience life like a typical Dane.

Monday:
Zack’s friends, our new friends, met us at the airport, drove us to their home in Charlottenlund and helped us get situated. Then it was bed time—for them. For us we really wanted to sleep, but it was a struggle. And it was a struggle for our entire time there. Our typical day started around 11:00 am, our earliest was 8:00 am, because we rented a car and wanted to maximize our driving range; but it was hard to wake up that day. Our latest morning was 12:00 pm, what can I say, when your body says it’s tired you gotta sleep, no matter what time it is. Most of the time I felt guilty sleeping so long, but it was a lot more challenging to control than I expected.

Tuesday:
Our first full day in Denmark was Tuesday. We met up with my friend the Professor to catch up on old times. He gave us a brief tour of the area surrounding his office at the University of Copenhagen. We saw beautiful classic architecture, including several fountains decorating the area. We visited the Church of Our Lady cathedral and saw the famous statues of Christ (the Christus) and the twelve apostles by Thorvaldsen. We even walked as far as Nyhavn, my favorite area of Copenhagen. The rows of colorful buildings lining the canal, boats moored in front, is one of the most recognizable places in this beautiful city. We couldn’t pass up a treat there so we ate waffles sitting outside by the water. The day’s events were simple but so memorable.

During our trip planning my wife read about the Copenhagen card. For a reasonable amount you can purchase a one, three, or five day card which gives you access to all the trains and buses in the Copenhagen area. Plus it also covers entrance fees into the castles, museums, and even Tivoli (just the entrance fee to Tivoli, not for rides). The thing that was nice about the Copenhagen card is we never worried about getting on the wrong bus or train. And we never had to fish for cash when we wanted to see any of the cool stuff. We bought five day cards to begin with, then a one day for Monday. I highly recommend it.


Wednesday:
By Wednesday we had the trains mostly figured out. First thing off the train at Nørreport we stopped at a nice bakery on our way down the Gågade, the walking street where shopping options abound. The narrow cobblestone streets are closed to car traffic during shopping hours. It was always packed with foot traffic and bicycles. A short distance from the bakery we noticed an interesting store dedicated to the game Warhammer. The miniature figures drew me in, but I really wanted to find some comics. They didn’t have comics there, but Zack talked to one of the workers who gave us directions to a comic shop nearby.

We walked down the Gågade further and came to the Round Tower. Admission price covered by the Copenhagen card so why not? We climbed to the top and were rewarded with a spectacular view of the area.

After that we found the comic store and it was impressive. Two stories high filled with comics, action figures, posters etc. I bought a Danish comic called Valhalla. Walking out of the comic store we noticed another interesting shop right across the street. It was in the basement and looking down through the windows I could see it was filled with weapons, armor, clothing and all kinds of accessories for Live Action Role Playing (LARPing). It was the coolest shop ever. And the shop keepers were the friendliest of any shop we went into. I had to buy an amber crystal necklace so I can recharge my magic when it gets low.

We ate lunch outside right on the Gågade. The food was good, but more visually appealing than filling. I think that’s the Danish way. It was a little chilly but we had an enjoyable time there. After lunch we took one of the Canal Tours. The guide gave directions in English, Danish and German. It was impressive to hear him keep all three languages straight. We rode through the waterways all the way out to the harbor and saw the Little Mermaid, from the back side. She faces the land, more on that later. Even though it rained a bit we stayed comfortable and were able to see everything just fine.

Thursday:
Thursday our house host drove us way up north to Helsingør to see the Kronborg Slot, slot is the word for castle but I prefer slot now. It was so foggy that day we couldn’t even see the castle from the parking lot, which was disappointing because on a good day you can see all the way to Sweden across the ocean. We could barely see the ocean. But we did see Holger Danske sleeping in the cellar until he’s needed to save his homeland.

On the way back to Copenhagen we stopped off in Hillerød to see the Frederiksborg Slot. This castle made Kronborg seem modest in comparison. The rooms were much more lavishly decorated. And there is one room which is entirely full of Carl Bloch paintings—that alone is worth the trip. It was fascinating to see how many family portraits have accumulated over the years. I’d have to say hundreds, if not into the thousands, some of them many hundred years old.

We ate lunch close by the castle in one of the nice restaurants on the walking street in Hillerød. Zack and I had kebabs, for the second time. Zack loves a good kebab, and these were among the best we had.

Friday:
Friday we delivered a package to the mission office in downtown Copenhagen. It was fun to visit there for a bit. Then we were so close to the LDS temple we had to go see it. We ate Chinese food from one of the small vendors along the Gågade, just for the experience. Oh, and to save a little money too.

Our goal was to climb to the top of the Church of Our Saviour. It’s the one with a black and golden corkscrew spire that reaches 90 meters high (that’s almost 300 feet). There is a total 400 steps to the top of the spire, the last 150 are outside on the corkscrew spire. Unfortunately we arrived at the Church of Our Savior ten minutes after it closed for the day. We hoofed it back, and took a brief look in Tivoli. We didn’t ride any rides, we were in there just enough to get a feel for the Danish carnival experience. Even though we didn’t hike to the top of the spiral church we still walked a ton this day. And we were beat.

We went to dinner with our host family at one of their favorite local Italian restaurants in Charlottenlund. That food was delicious.

Saturday:
By Saturday we were ready for a break from walking. We had talked about renting a car so we could visit areas outside of Copenhagen. And this was the perfect time to do it. We ended up renting a BMW, which is hard to believe but it was one of the cheapest options. We drove to Odense, on Fyn. There we toured Hans Christian Andersen’s house. Following the tour we strolled down the Gågade there. We ate at Jensen's Bøfhus, a nice little steakhouse.

One of Zack’s favorite areas was Sønderborg on Jutland so while we had the car we had to make it clear over there—far west on the part of Denmark attached to Germany. We talked about making a quick trip to Germany, at one point we were as close as 20 km. But that would have made us arrive back in Charlottenlund close to midnight, something we just weren’t comfortable with. We were kind of late as it was. On the way back we ate dinner at a hamburger place called Bull in Odense. It had an interesting Americana feel to it.

Renting the car wasn’t cheap, but surprisingly the car itself was only about one third the overall cost. Gas was probably more than the car itself. And bridge tolls to get over to Odense, and back combined were nearly as much as the car rental fee. Crazy.

Sunday:
Sunday we attended church in Charlottenlund. Zack served in that ward so he knew a lot of the people. It was fun for him to see some familiar faces, and for us to be introduced to them. Up to this point our days had been so regimented, like we had to make the most of every waking moment it was nice to have a more casual day. We took a short bike ride with the kids of our host family down to the ocean, just to see what it was like. It was pretty, with lots of people enjoying the weather. Sunday was probably our best weather day of the entire trip.

Since it was Mother’s Day we did get on Skype to speak with our second son who is serving an LDS mission in Cape Verde. If you’ve never heard of Cape Verde don’t feel bad, we hadn’t either until he was called to serve there.

Monday:
Rested and rejuvenated, at least we thought we were, we just had to go shopping again on Monday, our last full day in Denmark. The difference? This time we actually bought some stuff. You see, all of the other shopping days were simply exercises leading up to this big day. We tried to find all the good things we noticed on the previous excursions. It’s an odd thing we seem to repeat quite often, and not just in foreign countries. I guess we always feel like we need to scope out the area to find the best deals before we actually hand over any money.

We also squeezed in a tour of the Rosenborg Slot. This castle was beautiful like the Frederiksborg castle. The crown jewels and the armory were the highlights for me. One more thing we had to do was see the Little Mermaid, this time from the front. Going all the way to Denmark it would have been a crying shame to return home and recount we only saw her backside. Unfortunately this little endeavor turned into a much longer walk than any of us anticipated. It was fun to see, but in a sadistic sort of way. We thought Friday was a long walking day, but this day was harder than that.

As a reward for so much unexpected exercise we treated ourselves to dinner at the Hard Rock Café. The icing on the cake followed our hurried meal. We immediately hopped on a train to meet up with my old friend and his son in Farum where we watched a soccer match between Odense and Nordsjaelland. Odense played the role of spoiler in the 0-0 tie.

Tuesday:
Tuesday we packed up and headed to the airport. And wouldn’t you know it? Mechanical problems delayed our departure for a couple of hours. Enough that we worried we’d miss our connection in Washington, DC. As it turned out we made it through customs and to our gate five minutes before our connecting flight departed—after running enough to build up a nice sweat. Just what you want sitting next to you on a five hour flight, right? Be glad you weren’t on that flight. But we were, so glad not to be delayed one more time.

Almost everything in Denmark seemed expensive. It was a struggle to keep the conversion rates in mind as we spent money. Using American Express every chance we could took a little of the sting away. Ok, maybe it just delayed it a month. When that didn’t work we tried to use our debit card Visa. That worked more often because it had a PIN tied to it. They love PIN’s in Denmark, who knew? Only once did we have to run to an ATM in order to pay for a meal. But I think that was because we were out in Charlottenlund.

I can see how the whole public transportation combined with bicycles could be a nice way to go. But for us, it’ll take more than a week to get used to it. By the end of our stay we wanted to get in our big gas guzzling vehicles and drive somewhere, anywhere, even if it was only a short distance. It’s amazing how tethered to our individual vehicles we’ve become.

*That last part was an exaggeration due to our utter exhaustion. Don’t hate us, we were delirious.*

We cherish this visit to Denmark. We experienced so much generosity and help from the family we stayed with. And it was great to spend time with my old friend. Denmark is beautiful and filled with a deep, rich heritage that we just can’t compete with in our young country. Hans Christian Andersen said “To travel is to live.” But the more places I visit, and especially the older I get, the more I feel like massaging that quote from HCA to “Traveling gives you perspective.” That perspective helps you see more clearly how many good things you have all around you, every day. For me it’s the little things: there’s no shower like my own, there’s no bed like my own, choosing what to drive my truck or my motorcycle—both are always there for me, and there’s certainly no family like my own. All of the creature comforts in the world combined could not replace what I have in my own little part of this amazing Earth. Visiting, experiencing, and tasting other cities, countries and cultures is fun, exciting, and a great opportunity to learn. But in the end, there really is no place like home.

What do you miss most when you travel?

Monday, June 11, 2012

Anything Good: Writing Inspiration


Last month I took a trip to Denmark with my wife and oldest son. Less than a week after we returned we bought a new puppy. Those two events have combined to form a direct assault against my writing time. And not just against my time—against my will to write. Denmark was exhausting, super fun and a fantastic experience, but exhausting. Our new puppy as sweet as she is demands my time; time that if I don’t give now I won’t be able to make it up later. So, instead of hands on the keyboard, for more than a month now, I’ve been spinning my wheels simply mulling my novel around inside my head. And it’s killing me, just not enough to get me to do something about it.

Even though I haven’t felt like writing I’ve forced myself to read during short bursts of free time. I’m almost finished with Wolf Mark. I enjoyed all The Night of the Owls comic books (Scott Snyder is one of my new idols), and I’m catching up on Avengers vs X-Men (AvX). In addition, I’ve been watching some TV while matching wits with our ten-week-old cocker spaniel pup; my favorite show right now is The Legend of Korra (I still need to go back and watch the Avatar series, that’s still on my todo list).

It’s times like this when inspiration comes in unpredictable ways and from unpredictable sources. While skimming my twitter feed last week I stumbled on four blogs that really inspired me—there were many, many others but these four each gave me something I desperately needed to get my writing motor going again.

Mette Ivie Harrison jumpstarted my desire to write in this post. I know it’s a tumblr but it looks like a blog post to me. (note to self: Do I need a tumblr? Do some research.) I constantly struggle with comparing myself to other writers, not only in quality but in my ability to produce. I feel like I write so slowly. Mette’s words captured what I think is a great way to combat the doubts and fears I’ve been having about my own writing:

“In order to get the actual work done, the best thing to think of is of myself as a worker. Just like I can get on a bike and put down x number of miles at a certain pace, I can sit down and write the words that tell my story. They may tell the story well or badly. But my job is to get them down first of all. Then my second job is to figure out which ones are the right ones and which ones aren’t and try to figure out better ones if I can. If I can’t, I do my best.

“In the end, that’s all I can do. My best. I can’t write like someone else. I can’t write with pressure on me about how great or horrible it is. It’s just putting words to the page. Bricks and mortar. Stirring eggs up for an omelet. Putting one foot in front of another. There’s no magic in the actual creating of the words, not really. …”

What Mette says makes absolute sense, all I can be is myself, my best. So I have to struggle, work, revise, and above all else finish. Fast or slow what matters most is that I finish. Hey, someone should write a fable about that.

Kiersten White wrote this post after suffering from a fever for a couple of days. I guess you could call what I’ve been experiencing with my writing somewhat like a fever, a sort of mental fever. Anyway, even though I haven’t watched all the TV shows she talks about, some because I want to but haven’t got around to them, and others because my personal tastes are different, I think her analysis is very insightful. And I like her voice. I attended one of Kiersten’s sessions at LDS Storymakers last month and really enjoyed her practical tips there too.

Sometimes learning about good and bad writing by watching TV is all I can do. It’s not as good as writing, but it’s better than doing nothing. By the way, before reading her post I already had plans to watch the Avatar series, but Kiersten’s post bumped that task up in priority.

Chuck Wendig wrote this one. And I just noticed it’s kind of old, at least in Internet time. It was posted Jan 3, 2012. I can’t remember who tweeted it last week, but whoever did thank you, the timing was perfect for me. All twenty five of these suggestions are excellent. I’m taking Chuck’s advice to yell them at myself—my blog post will serve as a permanent reminder of this moment. Several hit me right when and where I needed them to. Like #1 Stop Running Away and #2 Stop Stopping, these two hooked me from the very beginning. Then he reeled me in with #5 Stop Hurrying and #6 Stop Waiting. Finally he served me up on a platter with #7 Stop Thinking It Should Be Easier, #14 Stop Playing It Safe, and #23 Stop Leaving Yourself Off The Page. He wrote a paragraph of detail for each one, but most of them don’t need a lot of extra explanation. I only wish I’d seen this back in January and taped a copy to my laptop.

Chuck’s language is forceful and direct, you’ve been warned, but it’s exactly what I needed. It’s always good to know I’m not the only one who’s ever felt this way. Chuck has loads of writing advice, some a lot more recent than the post I cited above. I need to dive into more of what he has to offer—one more task added to my list.

This one is a guest post by Susan Adrian on the blog distraction no. 99. Susan tells her story about quitting writing and then finding writing again in a new light. She said:

“I’d rediscovered my joy. In writing, in telling a story, in creating characters that live and breathe and make their own decisions and mistakes, but find their way. I was a writer. I’d tried to stop, but I couldn’t. It’s who I am.”

And she was inspired by a TV show—something I can relate to. She finishes her post about the new book she’s writing with this:

“I hope someday you’ll get to read it too. But even if you don’t, I’ll still be here. Writing.”

What a great ending. I feel exactly the same way.

My writing life is filled with ups and downs. Thankfully there are plenty of people out there struggling, sharing, writing and reaching out a helping hand to point me back in an upward direction each time I hit one of the inevitable lows.

Here’s a summary of the lessons I relearned this week:
  • Do the work, get the words down first and foremost. And remember I can’t write like someone else. It’s ok to simply be me.
  • TV can be inspiring. Pay attention to what you like, what works. And also pay attention to what doesn’t work in order to avoid the same mistakes.
  • I want to stop playing it safe. (This statement is weak isn’t it? It’s laden with excuses for failure before I even get started. I know. I’m going to work on this one, to figure out the safest risk to take ;-). Sorry it’s the best I can do right now.)
  • I hope someday you’ll get to read my novel too. But even if you don’t I’ll still be here. Writing.

I can think of no greater compliment for my own writing than for a single person to say you affected me, you helped me, you inspired me. These writers inspired me! I cannot thank them enough.

It feels good to be back in the chair hands on keyboard.

What inspires you? What do you do when you don’t feel like writing?

Monday, May 7, 2012

Success


It's natural to look at others who’ve achieved things we dream of achieving and wish we could be like them. And we often think to ourselves if I ever accomplish what they have, then I’ll be successful. But that view is limited, even dare I say naïve, because no matter what level we are at, with only a few rare exceptions, we always yearn for more. Once we reach a new level the elation only lasts so long, most of the time much less than we anticipate. And quicker than we like we see the next level, and that becomes our new goal, our new obsession. It’s like hiking a mountain and setting our sights on the nearest horizon. But once we reach that horizon a new one, further away pops into view. As far as I can see, at least in terms of writing or careers in general, this recursive process never ends, unless we give up. I’m not sure there is a “top of the mountain” in our lifetimes. So instead of coveting those milestone moments, wishing they’d happen more frequently, or more easily, what if we simply enjoyed the journey upwards, celebrated each hard fought step along the way. It helps to remember that in climbing a mountain each step is required, not just the steps that cross us over new horizons.

Now, I realize that along the way it's easy to get discouraged, especially when we see others perform so much better than we do ourselves, or when we don't follow through on our own goals as competently or rapidly as we wish. Me and discouragement we’ve met, we’re on a first name basis. I don’t want to bore you with my unrealized goals, it would take way too much time. So let’s just move on.

I recently learned something new. Well that’s not exactly right. I’m sure I’ve known it for a long time, it’s an old truth. But recently it was clarified in a new way that stuck out to me—it sunk in. Are you ready for it? Here it is: success is something you and I get to define, if we want. We can choose to cling to the disappointments and wallow in misery, denigrating ourselves and our work forever. This is the easy road though; it gives us excuses to not succeed. Or on the other hand we can grab hold of anything positive, uplifting, no matter how small, no matter how few and far between they occur—even a single step. When we celebrate these tiny victories we're more likely to keep going, to endure to the end.

Hard work is what it's all about, not talent or opportunities—thanks for teaching me Howard Tayler. And rather than compare ourselves against our friends and idols we should compare ourselves against ourselves. Instead of saying:  why can’t I be like her? Or why is he always so much better than me? (or is it I? Dang, where’s Annette Lyon when I need her.) Or why did they get the big contract instead of me? Ask yourself: am I progressing? Am I better today than yesterday? Am I working hard to get better tomorrow? If we can say yes to any of these we should pat ourselves on the back, enjoy the moment, and then get back to work.

I spent three days at LDS Storymakers 2012 writer’s conference last week. And it was great! Yes, I’m using that exclamation point. But at the same time it wasn’t perfect, there were some ups and some downs. What’s important though is what I take away. There are really only two options: move forward, or fall behind. I had so many positives that far outweighed any of the piddly negatives how can I not move forward? This was my first Storymakers conference. Hi, I’m new. But I want to share with you how I measured success this year.

1- Thursday, I met some fantastic writers at my table at bootcamp. They gave me valuable feedback on my WIP. And even though some of it was difficult to hear, I appreciate every bit and recognize the spirit it was given in—to help me get better as a writer. More than the feedback though, they gave me heaping doses of encouragement during bootcamp and throughout the conference. I saw them in sessions, at meals and at keynotes.

2- Friday, day 1 of the main part of the conference, I was scheduled for a pitch session with agent Holly Root. (I’m so tempted to write secret agent Holly Root, it has a nice ring to it don’t you think?) I was nervous, so nervous. But Storymakers came through for me again. I randomly ate lunch with a couple writers from Gilbert, Arizona—a hot bed for writers I now understand. Anyway, these writers were talking about pitches; in fact one of them had already been to his pitch session. He gave me his pitch, which was very good by the way. But then he asked me for mine. I awkwardly stumbled through mine and to my surprise they said good job—in effect "you worked hard on that" at least that's how I choose to remember it in hindsight. They pointed out parts they liked and made suggestions for what I could add to make it better. But what they really did was push me over the hump of "can I really do this?" to hey "I think I can." Back in December I signed up to pitch more to kick my own writing hindside into action than to actually convince Holly to really look at my work. But now I think I can. My 10 minutes with Holly were positive, encouraging, and I left wanting to finish my WIP ASAP. Mission accomplished in spades—that alone was worth attending Storymakers.

3- Saturday I was in a session when Heather Moore came in and sat down next to me. After the session was over we chatted like two writers at a conference. Now, I've attended a PEG critique session but I think I was only casually introduced to Heather. But in our conversation it felt like she at least remembered my name. Wow, Heather Moore remembered me, or at least recognized my name. The most enlightening thing about our conversation is that even someone published as much as Heather is still working, learning and growing, pushing herself to the next level in her career. And when I realized that I felt in a small way that we had something in common. I mean no disrespect to Heather, I simply mean we both have a desire to move our writing careers forward. For me I hope to have a writing career someday, and for her to bump hers up a notch.

Success can be defined any way you choose. And if you're not careful you may just place it out of your own reach through comparisons to others, or by allowing someone else, the world maybe, to define what success is for you. I choose bask in my little victories, and cling to the precious, positive moments. And I am going to get back to work on my writing.

Thanks to everyone I met at Storymakers, the members of my critique group, the people I met, and all the fantastic presenters and volunteers who made my first Storymakers memorable—a real success! And especially to everyone at any table who shared their pitches with me, and asked that I give my pitch to them. I'll be back.

Scott Clayton The Writer

Credits: Heather Moore was the spark for this post and Howard Tayler was the heart—he worked hard on his presentation. And I also credit so many others who I rubbed shoulders with during the conference. Sheesh, you’d think I’d won an award or something. Hmm, now that I think of it, maybe I did—just not one of those showy kinds of awards that everyone else knows about.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Balance: Motorcycles and Writing


Turn the key, press the starter and the engine rumbles to life; on a cold morning, like today, I might need to use the choke. The engine idles for a minute, beating away till it warms up. My left hand squeezes the clutch. My left foot taps the gear lever down, snapping it into first. I slowly release the clutch with my left hand while revving up the throttle with my right. I pick up my right foot as the wheels start to turn, resting it on the foot peg. I rev it some more and accelerate into the road, settling into equilibrium on two wheels. A few feet down the road I relax the throttle, squeeze the clutch, and pop the gear lever up into second. More throttle and the engine rumbles effortlessly up to speed, a little more than I should through our quiet neighborhood sometimes, but I can’t help it.

The wind in my face, the smell of cut grass or hay, the engine roaring, the warmth of the sun catching up at a stop, the awesome power for the most part untapped held in reserve, accelerating up, hanging on, leaning into the curves, combined with the flawless execution of the controls required to make all this happen is a liberating experience. When it all comes together, senses alive and alert, everything is in balance.

But each spring, when I ride again for the first time after a long winter break, it’s easy to recognize when something’s not in balance. Maybe I pop the clutch too fast and the engine kills. Maybe I sit crooked in the seat, making the handle bars feel twisted to one side. Maybe I stop too quickly, or place my feet in the wrong position and the bike leans too far to the side almost toppling over. Or maybe I forget to turn off the turn signal. No matter what, if something’s out of balance it just doesn’t feel right.

Getting everything right to operate a motorcycle may sound intimidating to some. But with some practice it can easily be mastered by anyone willing to put in a little effort. I think writing is similar. There are many rules, and even more guidelines that make everything about writing seem intimidating. But with practice and effort I’ve heard it can be mastered. Balance in writing is difficult to describe, but easily felt when it’s not there.

My quest for balance in writing continues this week at the LDStorymakers Writers Conference. I’ve been frantically working on my fifteen pages for Boot Camp, a hands-on critique workshop. I’m stressing over what to say in my ten minute pitch session to an actual literary agent. And I’m looking forward to two days chock-full of classes and workshops covering craft basics, advanced craft, genre, and marketing/career development taught by world class authors. In addition I hope to meet new writer friends as well.

Even though I use these kinds of milestones to work towards I realize this is a journey not a destination. I never seem to be able to spend enough time to make things as good as I expect them to be, but at least I’m making progress. And if I don’t go into Storymakers feeling rock solid prepared, I plan to go with confidence. Not because of what I’ve done so far, but because of what I hope to become—better tomorrow than I was today.

I’m constantly reading helpful blogs that hit me when I need them the most. Here are a couple I read this week: Race in YA Lit: Wake Up & Smell the Coffee-Colored Skin, White Authors! and the very appropriate How to talk to strangers at professional events.

One more thing worth mentioning I just finished reading Scene and Structure by Jack Bickham. I learned a lot from this book. And I’m currently reading Story Engineering: Mastering the 6 Core Competencies of Successful Writing by Larry Brooks.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Anything Good: Entertainment (movies, TV, sports, reading)


You are what you eat—literally. And in a similar fashion what entertainment you choose to indulge in can tell a lot about you as well. Here’s a sampling of what I’ve been consuming lately.

Movies
I don’t go to movies a lot. The number one reason is that movies quite often disappoint me. I watch trailers and get excited only to find out the best parts were shown in the trailer. Or, I read and liked the book, so I’m interested in the movie but it turns out that someone interpreted it differently; I mean they decided to change the story significantly. I hate that. Or the absolute worst is when a movie feels like it’s packed full of fabulous effects and enticing action sequences but there is no plot, no story. All of this makes me skeptical of movies in general.

So far this year I’ve seen two movies: John Carter and Red Tails. I had completely different experiences with each of them.

John Carter
I saw John Carter last week. I’ve been excited to see it for a while now, mostly based on the trailers ;-). Hi I’m Scott and I fall for this kind of thing often. Curse you Hollywood! Besides the impressively cool trailer, sci-fi and fantasy are my favorite genres. How can you go wrong mixing them together? And one more thing, this movie was my choice, not my wife’s.

Overall I liked it. It was worth the price of admission including the 3d tax. The pictures on the screen were beautiful. The 3d detail was impressive. I found myself staring at the Tharks’ skin textures more than once. The story was good, even though it was a bit predictable. I liked how John Carter learned to use his special abilities on Mars. And I thought the inclusion of Edgar Rice Burroughs as a character in the movie was a nice touch.

There were a couple of times, however, when I was scratching my head about how easily John got out of difficult predicaments. And John Carter’s backstory, how his wife and child were brutally murdered while he was away at war could have been handled better. But of course that would have taken time away from the pretty pictures. Anyway I didn’t buy that as motivation for his selfishness, although it’s clear that’s what they were trying to sell me. This trope has been used before, most recently in Cowboys vs Aliens, Jake Lonergan and in the TV show Hell on Wheels Cullen Bohannon, both of which deal with it in more believable ways.

In summary I had high expectations for John Carter. And while I did like it, I really wanted to like it more. It just didn’t live up to my expectations.

Red Tails
I’m sure I saw a trailer for Red Tails, but I honestly don’t remember it. When my wife suggested we see it I had to go to flixster to figure out what it was about. Two things got me into the theater that night back in January. One, there wasn’t anything else playing I wanted to see. And two, my wife chose it and I was hoping to win points for going along with her. I had nothing against it; it’s just that when I think of a fun time at the movies, war films don’t jump to the top of my list. I was thinking it was going to be closer to a history lesson than entertainment.

When I’m wrong sometimes I’ll admit it. This is one of those times—I was WRONG. Please mark this down so I get credit. Red Tails was packed full of engaging action, relatable characters, a compelling story and yes, even some history too.

Red Tails made me want to fly in one of those shiny P-51 Mustangs, or at least to build a model of one. I was pumped up with emotion along with the characters in the scene where they prayed on the runway right before they went on their big mission. I liked the characters before, but after that I couldn’t help but root for them.

I related most to Joe “Lightning” Little. My natural instinct is to fight injustice head on without really thinking it through—usually in much smaller ways. I should be more like Martin “Easy” Julian though and think about the best way to achieve my goals. Sometimes that means enduring is more important than fighting, especially when fighting commonly makes us ineffective by taking us out of the game.

When I’m in a leadership position I am like Easy. I often second guess myself and/or beat myself up and feel like quitting when I make a wrong decision. There was a great scene when Easy tried to give up his command but the admiral wouldn’t let him. Easy learned to accept himself as the leader, even though he sometimes made bad decisions. Leader or not moving on in life, despite the fact that I make wrong decisions sometimes, is an important lesson to learn.

I liked the WWII part of the movie more than I thought I would. But why the military leaders couldn’t convince all the pilots that protecting the bombers was more important than shooting down enemy planes is a disappointing message about their own abilities to lead. If I were a WWII pilot I think I might be tempted by the impulse to rack up hits. But, if it were explained that our side was losing bombing crews, and potentially losing the war because of it, I hope I would have done the right thing and not just what I wanted to do. That made the other pilots seem petty and selfish in comparison.

I kept thinking about Red Tails, long after I saw it. I had low expectations to begin with and it blew them away in the end. I walked away from Red Tails feeling good inside.

The rest of this movie year holds great potential. The ones I’m looking forward to most are: Hunger Games, The Hobbit, Dark Knight Rises, Avengers, Amazing Spider-Man and Brave. I hope I’ll have something good to say about a few of these too.

TV
I probably watch more TV than I should. I justify it by calling it creative research for my writing. Anyway, you know a show is good when you can’t wait for the next episode. So then it’s a bonus to actually find the time to sit down and watch them. Lately a few stand out over the rest: Walking Dead, Being Human, Justified, Hell on Wheels, Grimm and Once Upon a Time.

Walking Dead makes me cringe and then I come back for more. They’re not afraid to kill off major characters and I want to know how the ones who remain alive are going to survive.

Being Human is about a vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost who simply want to live “normal” lives. Unfortunately for them their monster-ish selves always seem to get in the way. I’m not a vampire, a werewolf, nor a ghost but I can relate to their desires for the “ordinary.” I quite often feel like a monster when I don’t measure up to my own lofty expectations, when I make mistakes.

On Justified Raylan Givens is a rogue U.S. Marshal who does what he thinks is the right thing even when he knows it will get him in trouble. His flaws are obvious and it’s a miracle he’s not dead yet given his propensity for walking headlong into fire. But he’s a guy I enjoy rooting for; and sometimes I wish I could get away with cutting to the chase the way Raylan does.

Hell on Wheels is a western. The setting is the American West post-Civil War, the railroad expansion in particular. The images on the screen, from the scenery to the clothing, are incredibly beautiful. The story is good too. It’s between seasons right now. But I’ll be right there when they start back up towards the end of 2012.

Grimm and Once Upon a Time are similar in that they explore fairy tales. But each does it in a very different way. Each comes with its own plusses and minuses. But I’m still watching both of them.

That sounds like a lot. I know. But we wouldn’t be able to keep up without TiVo. My wife and I typically watch one of the recorded episodes after we put our kids to bed. It’s something we enjoy doing together. It helps us wind down after an action packed day of work and plenty of kid stuff.

Sports
We’re in the middle of March Madness and I still haven’t fully committed to basketball this year. The NBA lockout really soured me. Luckily I’m still riding high remembering how my favorite football team, the San Francisco 49ers turned things around this year. And even though they could have made it to the Super Bowl I’m proud to be a fan. I’ve been a fan since the beginning of the season that ended with Joe Montana and Dwight Clark hooking up for “The Catch” to nudge the 9ers past the Cowboys and into the Super Bowl.

All I can say is Jim Harbaugh is the man. It was impressive to watch him turn essentially the same team as last year around in such a convincing manor. I’ll admit, the last few years have been more down than up. It’s been tough to see my team go through it. But this past season made it all worth it. It gives me hope for the future. That’s what I love about sports. Seasons come and seasons go, but the beginning of a new season is filled with tremendous amounts of hope—next season might be the one.

Something New?
Have you heard about Coliloquy? On their website they describe themselves as “a digital publisher of active fiction, specializing in reader engagement and serial storytelling.”

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how traditional publishing might change using technology to create something new and interesting. That’s how the programmer in me thinks. I’m not sure if Coliloquy is going as far as I thought possible, but I’m excited they’re willing to do something to push forward into the future.

I haven’t been able to sample any of their dynamic content just yet because, as of now, it is only available on Kindle devices other than the Kindle Fire. I have an iPad and my wife has a Kindle Fire. So for now I’m sitting on the sidelines waiting for their next step, which is rumored to include not only the Kindle Fire but iOS options as well. Please hurry up Coliloquy.

I am definitely keeping my eyes on them to see what they can do. Have any of you read titles from Coliloquy? If so, please let me know what you think of them.

Reading
I recently started two interesting books. One is Wolf Mark by Joseph Bruchac and the other is Here, There Be Dragons by James A. Owen. Every night I can’t wait to pick one of them up and read further.

In comics I’m looking forward to Avengers vs X-Men (AvX) coming out in a few weeks. I’ve liked the X-Men for a long time. The Avengers are less familiar so I’m learning about them by reading New Avengers, Secret Avengers, Avengers: X-Sanction and Avenging Spider-Man.

Summary
I’m not exactly sure what all this means, other than it looks like I spend a boatload of time consuming all different kinds of media. So when do I find time to write? Well actually, writing is my top priority. It pushes all this other stuff aside. But all this “other stuff” is necessary to reinvigorate my creative juices. And some of this other stuff is how I stay in contact with my family, especially my wife. We do most of it together.

One thing that stands out about what I choose to watch is that I like strong characters who try to do the right thing even though they end up making lots of mistakes along the way. And I just might like watching characters do things I wish I had the opportunity and/or courage to do. As I have written all this down it’s interesting to find out that I seem to gravitate towards characters who have some admirable qualities, and who are striving to be better no matter what position they find themselves in. Me too.

Oh, and one more thing. I learned that I should trust my wife’s movie choices more often.